3-第十章：瘦提督的神秘身份

绑匪又把孩子们扛到肩上，大步穿过几个大院子，院子里有士兵、厨师、马匹和卖东西的人一片繁忙。他们走上台阶，穿过一扇门，走进一间灯火通明、油漆华丽的房间。这是领事的宫殿。墙上挂着挂毯，沙发上铺着丝质沙发垫，脚下镶嵌着画的地板温暖舒适。
罗马人显然很懂得怎么让自己的生活过得舒服。
在房间的一个角落里，肥胖的领事正在用一根羽毛挠他的扁桃体催吐，然后就可以往肚子里塞进更多的猛烈凶魇焦糖布丁。在另一个角落里，瘦提督正在按摩着他的太阳穴。当他们进来时，他抬起头来，恶狠狠地满意地叫了一声“啊哈！”
提督脚下躺着一条特别大的葛伦科，这条龙大约有两米高，脖子上有一个多刺项圈。当他们走进房间时，它肌肉粗壮的腿把庞大的身躯抬起，粗壮的公牛般的脖子深处发出不祥的咆哮。
它朝第一个绑匪扑去，那绑匪尖叫着丢下了鱼脚司。
“住手！”瘦提督用龙语喊道。那龙语说得非常烂，但的确说的是龙语。葛伦科用它巨大的下颚咬住了第一个绑匪的腿，绑匪徒然地用拳头敲打着这个巨大生物长满疣的巨大背部。葛伦科很享受这一过程，一边啃着绑匪的膝盖，一边甩着它的大尾巴；但在瘦提督的命令下，它不情愿地停了下来。

“想你[Think you]（谢谢你）。”这个瘦提督的口音很重，他不断说错话。“你现在可以抓住那个绑匪了。”
葛伦科没有动。
“我说【抓住他】！”瘦提督生气地喊道。
葛伦科朝他眨了眨眼睛，仍然没有动。
“哦，看在雷神的份上，你这愚蠢的鳄鱼……”他从口袋里掏出他那半本《如何说龙语》，一边翻一边自言自语：“放开，放开——用龙语怎么说放开？”
“我想你要找的是【放开】，先生？”小嗝嗝礼貌地说。
“谢谢。”瘦提督笑道。【放开，】他对葛伦科说，葛伦科张开了嘴，绑匪瘫倒在地上。
“正如你所看到的，”瘦提督拖长声音道，“我需要你另外那半本书，小嗝嗝。”
小嗝嗝尽量使自己看上去不那么害怕。
“你是怎么知道我名字的？”他问。“为什么我们说的是挪威语，而不是拉丁语？”
瘦提督笑了。“我们以前见过，小嗝嗝，见过很多很多次。你为什么不凑近一点看看呢？”
小嗝嗝抬头看着瘦提督眼睛，当他终于认出那是谁时，倒吸了一口凉气。

那人是个秃子；全身无毛。甚至他的睫毛也不见了。尽管他秃顶，穿着长袍，但这绝对是小嗝嗝的大敌——背叛者阿尔文，流放犯部落的首领，内岛最邪恶的人
“那么，”阿尔文嘶嘶地说，“我们又见面了，小嗝嗝·霍兰德斯·哈道克三世……”
小嗝嗝和鱼脚司惊讶地盯着他。他们最后一次见到阿尔文的时候，他还在海底洞穴的凶猛勒杀怪的肚子里*。他到底是怎么摆脱那种棘手的处境的？他冒充罗马人做什么？
 *我强烈建议你去读一读《如何成为一名海盗》这本书
“我看你在想，”阿尔文恶狠狠地笑着说，“我是怎么摆脱那个棘手的处境的。”
鱼脚司和小嗝嗝点点头。
“这是个有趣的故事，”阿尔文啐了一口，他的眼睛愤怒地嘶嘶着。“我知道你会喜欢的……我用我的剑把那只死了的凶猛勒杀怪的肚子割开，逃了出来，然后，由于你们这么好心地把我抛弃在没有龙的地方，我没法从海底的山洞里出来……”
“我们没有抛弃你！”鱼脚司尖声叫道。“我们不知道你还活着！我们怎么可能知道？”
阿尔文不理他。“…所以我别无选择，只能穿过卡利班洞穴。我花了整整三个月，在黑暗中爬行，生吃小穴居龙，舔墙上的水……然后当我终于出现在你那可恶的小岛上偷了一艘船回到我自己的土地时，发生了什么？我自己的人民都躲着我——他们拒绝让我当他们的首领！因为在黑暗中，在那只勒杀怪的肮脏肚子里…...有事在我身上发生了……”

阿尔文的声音变得越来越野蛮。
“那只恶魔的胃液让我头发掉光光。有谁听说过无毛的维京人？我被赶出了自己的部落，被迫流亡。幸运的是，我外祖父那边有罗马血统……罗马帝国需要像我这样聪明的人。我告诉他们，我想到了一个征服维京人的办法，那就是让各部落自相残杀。”
“叛徒！”鱼脚司叫道。
“正是，”阿尔文笑了。“而且我还计划去组建一支……龙族大军。"阿尔文第一次把右臂从袍子里抽出来。那只手臂的末端不是手，而是一个巨大的弯钩，是用最闪亮的黄金做成的。
“我只用了那堆宝藏里的一只金杯去打造这只钩子，”他漫不经心地说。“那是我穿过卡利班洞穴时唯一能带的东西。但我想要得到剩下的宝藏——我需要剩下的宝藏……”
“有了龙族大军，宝藏就不难得到啦。”阿尔文继续说。“龙可以游下去把宝藏带上来给我。但你知道我首先需要什么，小嗝嗝……”
阿尔文把钩子的尖端对准小嗝嗝的胸口。“我需要你那本书的另一半，《如何说龙语》。我需要那本书来指挥我的龙族大军。你那一半书呢，小嗝嗝？告诉我，我就饶你和你的鱼脚朋友一命。否则，恐怕我现在就得把你们两个都杀了……”

“先告诉我你对无牙做了什么，”小嗝嗝说。
“哦，无牙很安全。”阿尔文阴笑道，“它被关在我的一个地牢里。”
小嗝嗝松了一口气。至少它没死。
“赶紧把书给我，”阿尔文命令道。
“如果把书给你，你能保证不杀我们吗？”小嗝嗝问。
“我保证，”阿尔文笑着说。
小嗝嗝把手伸进口袋，把湿漉漉、破烂不堪的《如何说龙语》递给了阿尔文。他知道阿尔文总有一天会找到的这半本的。
“谢谢。”阿尔文冷笑道。他把手臂上的钩子拧下来，换上了他那把著名的剑，暴风刃。
“糟了，”小嗝嗝说。
胖领事终于吃完了一大盘加了蒜味梦蟒龙（Dreamserpent）酱的烤小泡芙纳德，他开始对房间里事情产生了兴趣。
为最高贵的胖领事准备的上午茶菜单
前菜 [法]
蒜味梦蟒龙酱（Dreamserpent）烤小泡芙纳德
云雀舌汤配嘎滋脆微型龙头
主菜
腌滑头鹰肉与鲨鱼眼烤全牛
双层雷普托汉堡加奶酪和皮卡利企鹅肉

普通花园龙酱拌活青蛙和冬眠鼠
催吐后的餐后甜点
猛烈凶魇布丁配烟熏黑线鳕和巧克力慕斯
太妃纳德峨螺布丁
“你抓了谁，提督？”他慢吞吞地说，擦去第三个下巴上的奶油。小嗝嗝注意到他气色不太好。他从头到脚都覆盖着严重的红色咬伤伤口，他不时伸出一只肥胳臂搔他那肥到流油的大屁股。
“这个，”阿尔文严肃地说，“就是毛霍里根的继承人。”
“就是你跟我说的那个异常强大的战士？”胖领事问。他惊讶地看着小嗝嗝。“但是他真的非常非常小！”
“大小并不代表一切，”背叛者阿尔文回答道。
“那，你打算拿他怎么办，长官？”胖领事问。
“我要杀了他。”阿尔文说道，恶狠狠地挥舞着暴风刃。 
“你答应过不杀我们的！”小嗝嗝抗议道。
“啧啧，啧啧，”阿尔文啧啧道，“你现在还不知道背叛者家族从不信守诺言吗？”
“等一下，我亲爱的提督。”胖领事慢吞吞地说。“现在杀他似乎是一种浪费。让他活到星期六土星日那天吧——我想看看这位非凡的勇士在角斗场上的表现……”

"这不是个好主意，领事。"阿尔文说。“这孩子也许看起来不怎么样，但我向你保证，我见过他有什么能耐，他会毁了我们所有的计划。趁现在还有机会，我们就必须赶紧杀了他。”
“这里谁是老大？”胖领事问。
“我——”阿尔文及时收回了自己的话。“我是说，当然是您啦，领事。”阿尔文讨好地向他鞠了一躬。“但是——”
“不要再说了，好吧，提督。”领事命令道。
“至少让我杀了那个长得像黑线鳕的吧，”背叛者阿尔文恳求道。
“你知道吗，领事，鱼脚司是个狂暴‘分子’*。”小嗝嗝慌忙说道。“我相信他会以角斗士的身份上演一场非常激动人心的打斗表演。”
*你知道“狂暴状态”是什么意思吗？狂暴的意思是维京人在战场上的一种疯狂状态。这种人在你这边还好，在你对手那边就完了......
“真的吗？”肥领事惊叹道，“这真是个非常有趣的早晨。我从来没见过狂暴分子。他上场应该是最有趣的。长着鱼脸的那个恐怕我也想他活着，长官。”
“但是先生——”

胖领事挥了挥一只胖手拒绝了阿尔文的反对。
“把囚犯和沼泽飞贼继承人一起关进地牢！” 
阿尔文努力控制自己的脾气。他咬牙切齿对领事笑了笑。“当然，您是最明智的，先生，”他说。“如果出了差错，可别怪我……”
阿尔文面向葛伦科。【坐到我身上来！】他用极烂的龙语命令道，【把我和其他继承人放在马桶里！】
葛伦科立刻坐在阿尔文身上。第一个绑匪用他的剑柄狠狠地戳了一下那条龙，在把阿尔文完全压扁之前把葛伦科弄了下来。当阿尔文终于从它的屁股底钻出来时，他已经气疯了。
“不是，不是，不是！”他尖叫道，他试着把两半本《如何说龙语》拼在一起，一边翻书一边嘴里诅咒着什么，“啊，在这儿！”他满意地说。【挖我的鼻子，把我和沼泽飞贼继承人一起放进马桶里！】 
第二个绑架者不得不用他的剑柄猛烈地攻击，以防止葛伦科用它巨大的爪子挖阿尔文的鼻子。然后那个怪物把阿尔文抱起来，试图把他塞进胖领事的大马桶里。
【继续！】阿尔文尖叫道。
“要我帮忙吗？”小嗝嗝问。他直接对葛伦科说。【我想提督要说的是，把我们抓起来，和沼泽飞贼继承人一起把我们关进塔里……】

葛伦科抓住小嗝嗝和鱼脚司的后脖颈处，仿佛两只小猫一样。
“至少，”小嗝嗝在葛伦科嘴下晃荡着向阿尔文恳求道，“你这辈子就不能做一次好事，把无牙放了吗？你不需要它，它又没对你做过什么……”
阿尔文从马桶里爬出来，努力装出一副很有尊严的样子。
想要爬出马桶很棘手。
“你说得不对，”他说。"那条龙在我头盔上拉过屎。背叛者家族永不宽恕这一点。它可以待在地牢里腐烂，我才不管呢……其实，我有个更好的主意——他可以在星期六土星日和你们一起到竞技场去，你们可以一起惨死在那里……”阿尔文可怕地傻笑了一下，朝葛伦科挥了挥手。
【把他们带走。】他命令道，他第一次说对了龙语，于是葛伦科嘴里叼着两个孩子，向塔楼飞奔而去，后面跟着第一个绑匪。那只巨大的动物噔噔噔地走上木台阶，在一扇大门外停了下来。这扇门是通往阿尔文关押另一个继承人的监狱。第一个绑匪用挂在腰带上的一把大钥匙打开了门。
“欢迎你来住三个星期，里面请吧，”他不高兴地傻笑着说。“多做剑斗……罗马角斗士非常非常优秀，我认为是这样的……”

“至少我们还能见到沼泽飞贼的继承人，”小嗝嗝对鱼脚司说。“也许这是我认识她的一个机会，让毛霍里根和沼泽飞贼之间达成某种和解……”
10. THE SECRET IDENTITY OF THE THIN PREFECT
The Kidnappers threw the boys over their shoulders again and strode through several large courtyards, busy with soldiers and cooks and horses and people selling things to each other. They walked up some steps and through a door into a brightly lit, gorgeously painted room. This was the Consul's Palace. Tapestries hung from the walls, couches were draped in silken covers, the mosaic floor was warm and toasty underfoot.

The Romans certainly knew how to make themselves comfy.
In one corner of the room, the Fat Consul was having his tonsils tickled with a feather so he could vomit and fit in some more Monstrous Nightmare Crème Brûlée for pudding. In another, the Thin Prefect was having his temples massaged. He looked up when they came in and gave an "Aha!" of evil satisfaction.
At the Prefect's feet lay a particularly large Gronckle, a dragon about two meters high with a spiny ruff around its neck. When they came into the room it heaved its enormous bulk onto its thick muscly legs and an ominous growling began deep in its thick bull neck.

It leaped at the First Kidnapper, who dropped Fishlegs with a scream.
"Stop!" shouted the Thin Prefect in Dragonese. Very poor Dragonese, but Dragonese nonetheless. The Gronckle had grabbed the First Kidnapper by the leg in his immense jaws, and the First Kidnapper uselessly drummed his fists on the gigantic creature's great, warty back. The Gronckle had been enjoying itself, gnawing away at the Kidnapper's knee, its great tail lashing from side to side; but at the Thin Prefect's command it reluctantly stopped.

"Think you." The Thin Prefect had a terrible accent and he kept on getting the words wrong. "You can hold on to the kidnapper now ."
The Gronckle didn't move.
"I said 'Hold on to him!'" shouted the Thin Prefect crossly.
The Gronckle blinked at him and still didn't move.
"Oh for Thor's sake, you stupid alligator ..." swore the Thin Prefect in Norse. From his pocket he got out his half of How to Speak Dragonese and started flicking through it, muttering to himself, "Release, release -- what's the word for release?"

"I think you'll find the word is 'release,' sir?" advised Hiccup politely.
"Thank you," sneered the Thin Prefect. "Release," he said to the Gronckle, who opened its jaws and the Kidnapper dropped, sprawling onto the floor.
"As you can see," drawled the Thin Prefect, "I need the other half of your book, Hiccup."
Hiccup tried not to look as terrified as he felt.
"How do you know my name?" he asked. "And why are we speaking in Norse, not in Latin?"

The Thin Prefect smiled. "We have met before, you see, Hiccup, many, many times. Why don't you look a little closer?"
Hiccup looked up into the Thin Prefect's eyes, and he gasped as he finally realized who it was.
The man was bald; completely hairless all over. Even his eyelashes had disappeared. But bald as he was and dressed in a toga, this was definitely Hiccup's archenemy -- Alvin the Treacherous, Chief of the Outcast Tribe and the wickedest man in the Inner Isles

"So, " hissed Alvin, "we meet AGAIN, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third ..."
Hiccup and Fish legs gazed at him in utter astonishment. The last time they had seen Alain he had been inside the stomach of the Monstrous Strangulator at the bottom of the underground sea-cavern.* How on earth had he got out of THAT tricky situation? And what was he doing posing as a Roman?
"I see you are wondering," smiled Alain nastily, "how I got myself out of THAT tricky situation."

Fish legs and Hiccup nodded.
"It's an interesting story," spat Alain, his eyes hissing with fury. "I know you'll enjoy it... I cut myself out of the stomach of the dead Monstrous Strangulator with my sword, and then since you had so kindly ABANDONED me without any dragons, I couldn't get out of the cavern by the sea ..."
"We didn't abandon you!" squeaked Fishlegs. "We didn't know you were alive! How could we know?"

Alvin ignored him. "... so I had no choice but to go through the Caliban Caves. THREE WHOLE MONTHS it took me, creeping through the darkness, eating little cavern dragons raw, licking the walls for
* How to Be a Pirate. I would strongly suggest you read this book.
water ... and then when I finally emerged into the light on your vile little island and stole a ship back to my own land, what happens? My own people SHUN me -- they refuse to have me as their Chief! Because down there in the darkness, in the vile belly of that Strangulator ... something happened to me ..."

Alvin's voice became more and more savage.
"The stomach juices of that infernal creature have made my hair fall out. And whoever has heard of a hairless Viking? I was thrown out of my own Tribe and forced into exile. Luckily, I have some Roman blood on my mother's father's side ... and the Empire has use for a clever person like myself. I told them I had thought of a way they could conquer the Vikings by turning the Tribes against each other."

"TRAITOR!" yelled Fishlegs.
"Exactly" smiled Alvin. "And I also have my own plans for a ... DRAGON ARMY" Alvin drew his right arm out of his toga for the first time. An arm that ended not in a hand but in a huge curved HOOK made out of the most brilliant gold.
"I made this hook," he said casually, "out of a single cup of that Treasure. It was the only thing I could carry through the Caliban Caves. But I want the rest of it -- I need the rest of it...

"With a DRAGON ARMY I can get the Treasure," continued Alvin. "The dragons can swim down and bring it up for me. But you know what I need first, Hiccup ..."
Alvin drew the point of his hook right against Hiccup's chest. "I need the other half of that book of yours, How to Speak Dragonese. I need that book to command the dragons in my Dragon Army. Where is your half of the book, Hiccup? If you tell me I will let you and your fish legged friend live. Otherwise I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you both RIGHT NOW..."

"Tell me what you've done with Toothless first," said Hiccup.
"Oh, Toothless is very safe," grinned Alvin. "He's locked up in one of my dungeons."
Hiccup gave a sigh of relief. At least he wasn't dead.
"Give me the book now," commanded Alvin.
"If I give it to you, will you promise you won't kill us?" asked Hiccup.
"I promise," smiled Alvin.
Hiccup felt into his pocket and handed Alvin his damp and tattered half of How to Speak Dragonese. He knew Alvin would find it at some point anyway.

"Thank you," sneered Alvin. He unscrewed the hook from the end of his arm and replaced it with his famous sword, the Stormblade.
"Uh-oh," said Hiccup.
The Fat Consul had finally polished off a large helping of roasted baby Puff Nadders in garlicky Dreamserpent sauce, and he started to take an interest in what was going on.
ELEVENSES MENU for His Most Noble Fatness the Fat Consul
HORS D'OEUVERS
Roasted baby Puff Nadders in garlicky

Dreamserpent sauce
Lark's tongue soup with crunchy
nanodragon heads on the side
ENTREES
Whole roast ox marinated in pickled
Slitherhawk and shark's eyeballs
Double Reptoburger with extra cheese and Picallilli penguins
Live Frog-and-Dormouse soufflés in
Common-or-Garden sauce
PAUSE FOR A VOMIT
LES DESSERTS
Monstrous Nightmare Crème Brulee with
Smoked haddock and chocolate mousse
Sticky toffee Nadder and whelk pudding "Who have you got over there, Prefect?" he drawled, wiping the cream from the third of his chins. Hiccup noticed that he wasn't looking too well. He was covered from head to toe in nasty red bites, and every now and then he reached out a fat arm to scratch his gigantic blubbery behind.

"This," said Alvin grimly, "is the Heir to the Hairy Hooligans."
"The extraordinarily powerful warrior you were telling me about?" asked the Fat Consul. He looked at Hiccup in astonishment. "But he's so very, very small!"
"Size isn't everything," replied Alvin the Treacherous.
"What are you going to do with him then, Prefect?" asked the Fat Consul.
"I'm going to kill him," said Alvin, giving the Storm blade a nasty swish.

"You promised you wouldn't!" protested Hiccup.
"Tsk, tsk," tutted Alvin, "haven't you learned by now that a Treacherous never keeps his promise?"
"Hang on a second, my dear Prefect," drawled the Fat Consul. "It seems a waste to kill him now.
Let him live until Saturn's day Saturday -- I would like to see this extraordinary warrior in action in the gladiatorial arena ..."
"That's not a good idea, Consul," said Alvin. "This boy may not look much, but I assure you I have seen him in action and he could ruin all our plans. We must kill him NOW while we have the chance."

"Who gives the orders round here?" asked the Fat Consul.
"I d --" Alvin recollected himself just in time. "I mean, you do, of course, Consul." Alvin bowed fawningly at him. "But --"
"No arguing, please, Prefect," ordered the Consul.
"At least let me kill the one who looks like a haddock," pleaded Alvin the Treacherous.
"Fishlegs is a BERSERK*, you know, Consul," said Hiccup hurriedly. "I'm sure he'd put on a very exciting fighting display as a gladiator."

"Really?" exclaimed the Fat Consul. "This is proving a very interesting morning. I've never met
*You know the expression "going berserk"? Well, Berserks were Vikings who vent crazy on the battlefield. Good men to have on your side. Not so good when hey were on the other side, though... a Berserk before. He should be most amusing at the Games. The one with the face like a fish lives too, I'm afraid, Prefect."

"But sir --"
The Fat Consul waved away Alvin's objections with one fat hand.
"Put the prisoners in the dungeon with the Bog-Burglar Heir!"
Alvin fought to control his temper. He smiled at the Consul through very gritted teeth. "Of course you know best, sir," he said. "But don't blame me if it all goes wrong ..."
Alvin turned to the Gronckle. "Sit on me!" he ordered in his extremely poor Dragonese. "And put me in the toilet with the other Heirs!"

The Gronckle promptly sat on Alvin. The First Kidnapper had to prod the dragon very hard with the handle of his sword to get the Gronckle off before he squashed Alvin entirely. When he finally emerged from underneath the creature's bottom, Alvin was hopping mad.
"No, no, no!" he shrieked, and then tried to put together the two halves of How to Speak Dragonese, muttering swearwords under his breath as he looked for the right page. "Ah, here it is!" he said with satisfaction. "Pick my nose and put me in the toilet with the Bog-Burglar Heir!"

The Second Kidnapper had to lash out furiously with his sword-handle to prevent the Gronckle from picking Alvin's nose with its gigantic talons. And then the creature picked Alvin up and started trying to stuff him in the Fat Consul's gigantic toilet.
"Carry on!" shrieked Alvin.
"Can I help?" asked Hiccup. He talked to the Gronckle directly. "I think what the Prefect is TRYING to say is, pick US up and put US in the Tower with the Bog-Burglar Heir..."

The Gronckle picked up Hiccup and Fishlegs by the scruffs of their necks as if they were two kittens.
"At least," pleaded Hiccup to Alvin as he swung from the Gronckle's jaws, "won't you do a good thing for once in your life and set Toothless free? You don't need him and he's never done anything to you ..."
Alvin tried to look dignified as he climbed out of the toilet.
Which was tricky.
"That isn't true," he said. "That dragon once did a poo in my helmet. A Treacherous Never Forgives. He can stay in that dungeon and rot for all I care ... Actually, I've just had a better idea -- he can join you in the arena on Saturn's day Saturday and you can all die a horrible death together ..." Alvin gave a gruesome smirk and waved his hand at the Gronckle.

"Take them away," he ordered, for once getting the Dragonese right, and the Gronckle trotted off to the Tower with the boys in his mouth, followed by the First Kidnapper. The huge animal clattered up the wooden steps and stopped outside a large door. This was the door to the prison where Alvin was keeping the other Heir. The First Kidnapper opened it with a large key that was hanging from his belt.
"Welcomes to your home for three weeks, please," he smirked unpleasantly. "Do much sword-fighting's ... Roman gladiators are very, very good, me thinking ..."

"At least we'll meet the heir to the Bog-Burglars," said Hiccup to Fishlegs. "Maybe this whole mess is a chance to meet her and make some sort of peace between the Hooligans and the Bog-Burglars ..."