《破碎的一生》中英双语&注释

原作者 MattDymerski
（详情请看中文版）
A Shattered Life
破碎的一生
01.
I don't know when you're going to read this, but I can tell you when it started: I was out for a walk alone in the woods when the entity came for me. It was beyond a blur. It was, for lack of a better term, absence of meaning. Where it hid, there were no trees; where it crept closer, there was no grass; through the arc it leapt at me, there was no breeze of motion. There was no air at all.

我不知道你会在何时何地阅读这些文字，但我可以告诉你这一切从何开始：那个实体在我独自在林间散步时找上了我。它比一道残影还快，一切都发生在那个瞬间。那是一种——由于找不到更合适的形容方式了——彻底的虚无。它曾躲藏的地方没有树木，它匍匐前进的途径上没有草在生长；它向我扑来，在空中划过一道弧，没有引起丝毫动静——那里甚至连空气都没有。
As it struck, I felt the distinct sensation of claws puncturing me somewhere unseen; somewhere I'd never felt before. My hands and arms and legs and torso seemed fine and I wasn't bleeding, but I knew I'd been injured somehow. As I fearfully ran back home, I could tell that I was less. I was vaguely tired, and it was hard to focus at times.

它撞向我的那一刻，我确切地感到自己身上某个看不见且从未被感知过的部位被利爪刺破。我的四肢与躯干似乎完好无损，我也并没有在出血，但我知道我莫名地受伤了。当我惊恐地跑回家后，我意识到我少了什么。疲惫与模糊的我常常难以集中注意。
The solution at that early stage was easy: a big cup of coffee helped me feel normal again.
刚开始，事情很容易就得到了解决：一大杯咖啡化解了所有问题，使我再次感到正常。
【线索 咖啡】
For a while, that subtle drain on my spirit became lost in the ebb and flow of caffeine in my system. You could say my life began that week, actually, because that was when I met Mar. She and I got along great, though, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I fell in love with her over the phone before we even met.

一段时间里，我灵魂缺失的微小部分散失在了我体内流动的咖啡因里。可以说那一周我才真正开始我的生活，因为那正是我遇到玛尔的时候。我们俩一直相处的相当不错，实际上，我十分确定我甚至在我们从未见面时打的那个电话里就爱上了她。
It was almost as if the strong emotions of that first week made the entity fight back—it was still with me, latched on to some invisible part of my being.
我感觉好像是第一周的强烈情感使那个实体开始反击——它还待在我这，钩在我身体上某个隐形的地方扎下了根。
The first few incidents were minor, and I hardly worried about them. The color of a neighbor's car changed from dark blue to black one morning, and I stared at it before shaking my head and shrugging off the difference. Two days later, at work, a coworker's name changed from Fred to Dan. I carefully asked around, but everyone said his name had always been Dan. I figured I'd just been mistaken.

最初的几件麻烦事微不足道，我也几乎没有为此担心。有天早上邻居家车子的颜色从深蓝色变成了黑色，我瞪着它看了会，然后摇了摇头把这一丁点差别忘到脑后。两天后，一个同事的名字从弗莱德变成了丹。我谨慎地询问了身边的人，但每个人都告诉我他的名字一直是丹。我得出结论，我想自己不过是搞错了。
【设置悬念】
Then, as ridiculous as this sounds, I was peeing in my bathroom at home when I suddenly found myself on a random street. I was still in my pajamas, pants down, and urinating—but now in full view of a dozen people at a bus stop. Horrified, I pulled up my clothes and ran before someone called the cops. I did manage to get home, but the experience forced me to admit that I was still in danger. The entity was doing something to me, and I didn't understand how to fight back.

后来，尽管这听起来荒唐至极，早上我在家上厕所的时候，我突然发现自己在一条相当随机的街道上。我还穿着睡衣，解开了裤子，保持着解手时的姿势——但现在却在公交车站里十来个人的目光洗礼中。惊慌中我提起衣服，在任何人来得及叫来警察之前拔腿就跑。我确实设法回到了家，但这次经历迫使我承认我仍处于危险之中。那实体正在对我动手脚，然而我并不知道怎么去反抗。
【设置悬念】
Mar showed up that evening, but she had her own key.
那天晚上，玛尔来了，但她是用自己的钥匙打开的门。
"Hey," I asked her with confusion. "How'd you get a key?"
“诶”我不解地问道“你是怎么拿到钥匙的？”

She just laughed. "You're cute. Are you sure you're okay with this?" She opened a door and entered a room full of boxes. "I know living together is a big step, especially when we've only been dating three months."
她只是笑了。“你真可爱。你确定你可以接受这些吗？”她推开门，进入堆满箱子的房间。“我知道同居是很大的一步改变，尤其因为我们在一起才三个月。”
Living together? I'd literally just met her the week before. Thing was, my mother had always called me a smart cookie for a reason. I knew when to shut my yap. Instead of causing a scene, I told her everything was fine—and then I went straight to my room and began investigating.

同居？可我真的上周才第一次遇到她。看来我母亲总是管我叫小机灵鬼是有原因的——我知道什么时候应该闭上自己的嘴巴。我告诉她一切都很好，避免了造成一场闹剧——然后立刻回到自己的房间试图搞清这一切的来头。
My things were just as I had left them with no sign of a three month gap in habitation, but I did find something out of the ordinary: the date. I shivered angrily as I processed the truth.
我的东西看起来和我上次离开时完全一样，根本没有缺失了三个月居住的痕迹，但我还是发现了不对劲的地方：日期。意识到真相后我浑身上下因气愤而颤抖。
【线索 日期】

The entity had eaten three months of my life.
那个实体从我的生命中吞掉了三个月。
What the hell was I facing? What kind of creature could consume pieces of one's soul like that? I'd missed the most exciting part of a new relationship, and I would never understand any shared stories or in-jokes from that period. Something absurdly precious had been taken from me, and I was furious.

我到底在面对什么鬼？什么生物能就这样一点一点吞噬一个人的灵魂？我已经错过了一段新的感情中最激动人心的部分，而且我永远无法理解那段时间里我们聊过的任何故事或梗。我的一些极为珍贵的东西就这样被夺走了，我为此感到狂怒。
That fury helped suppress the entity. I never imbibed alcohol. I drank coffee religiously. I checked the date every time I woke up. For three years, I managed to live each day while observing nothing more than minor alterations. A social fact here and there—someone's job, how many kids they had, that sort of thing—the layout of nearby streets, the time my favorite television show aired, that kind of thing. Always, those changes reminded me the creature still had its claws sunk into my spirit. Not once in three years did I ever let myself zone out.

那股怒火帮助了我压制那个实体。我再也没有喝酒，总是以一种虔诚的态度喝下一杯杯咖啡，每次醒来都立刻检查日期。三年里，我的谨慎使日常生活中只有些微小的变动发生。多半是一些社交方面的事实情况——谁的职业，他们有几个小孩，这种东西——附近街道的设计布局，我最喜欢的电视节目的播出时间，这些事情。这些变化一直在提醒着我，那个怪物的钳子仍然深深地嵌在我的灵魂里。三年里，我从未允许自己放下警惕。
【线索 咖啡 日期】
One day, I grew careless. I let myself get really into the season finale of my favorite show. It was gripping; a fantastic story. Right at the height of the action, a young boy came up to my lounger and shook my arm.

有天我大意了。我搞得自己完全沉浸在最喜欢的节目季末大结局里了。那真的是引人入胜，一个完美的故事。就在我投向屏幕的视线高度左右，一个小男孩晃悠到我的躺椅边摇了摇我的胳膊。
Surprised, I asked, "Who are you? How did you get in here?"
“你是谁？你怎么进来的？”我惊奇地问。
He laughed and smiled brightly. "Silly Daddy!"
他露出了灿烂的笑容，“傻乎乎的爸爸！”
My heart sank in my chest. I knew immediately what had happened. After a few masked questions, I discovered that he was two years old—and that he was my son.

我的心立刻猛地沉了下去——我立刻意识到发生了什么。在问了几个掩饰过的问题后，我发现他两岁了。以及他是我的儿子。
The agony and heartache filling my chest was nearly unbearable. Not only had I missed the birth of my son, I would never see or know the first years of his life. Mar and I had obviously gotten married and started a family in the time I'd lost, and I had no idea what joys or pains those years contained.
极度的痛苦和心脏的刺痛充斥着我的胸腔，难以承受。我不但错过了我儿子出生的瞬间，而且我永远无法得知他生命最初的两年是怎样的了。显然在我失去的那段时间里，我和玛尔结婚并建立了一个家庭，而我完全无法得知那些年里承载了怎样的欢乐与伤痛。

It was snowing outside. Holding my sudden son in my lap, I sat and watched the flakes fall outside. What kind of life was this going to be if slips in concentration could cost me years? I had to get help.
外面在下雪。怀里抱着突如其来的儿子，我坐在那，看着窗外的雪花飘落。这到底是怎样的生活，一时的走神竟能使我付出数年的代价？我需要寻求帮助。
【线索 雪】
The church had no idea what to do. The priests didn't believe me, and told me I had a health issue rather than some sort of possession.

教会的人束手无措。那些牧师不相信我，只是跟我说，与其说我被附身了，还不如说我病了。
The doctors didn't have any clue. Nothing showed up on all their scans and tests, but they happily took my money in return for nothing.
医生们也毫无头绪。扫描光片和检查报告没有检测到任何异常，不过即便我什么都没有得到，他们还是高高兴兴地收走了我的钱。
By the time I ran out of options, I'd decided to tell Mar. There was no way to know what this all looked like from her side. What was I like when I wasn't there? Did I still take our son to school? Did I still do my job? Clearly, I did, because she seemed to be none the wiser, but I still had a horrible feeling that something must have been missing in her life when I wasn't actually home inside my own head.

最终我实在没有选择的余地了——我决定告诉玛尔。我无法想象这一切从她的视角看是怎样的。当我“不在”时我是什么样的？我还把我们的儿子送去学校吗？我还干着原先的工作吗？显然如此，因为玛尔看上去什么也没有发现。但我还是有种不安的感觉：当我没有真正地待在自己的意识中时，她的生活肯定缺失了些什么。
02.
But the night I set up a nice dinner in preparation, she arrived not by unlocking the front door, but by knocking on it. I answered, and found that she was in a nice dress.
但当那晚我准备好了一顿丰盛的晚餐时，她没有用钥匙打开门，而是敲了敲它。我去开了门，发现她穿着一身精致的长裙。

【线索 钥匙开门】
She was happily surprised by the settings on the table. "A fancy dinner for a second date? I knew you were sweet on me!"
她被餐桌的布置惊喜到了“哇哦，为第二次约会准备这么别致的晚餐？我就知道你是真的喜欢我！”
Thank the Lord I knew when to keep my mouth shut. If I'd gone on about being married and having a son, she might have run for the hills. Instead, I took her coat and sat down for our second date.

感谢老天我知道什么时候应该闭紧嘴巴。如果我接着提到了结婚和有个儿子什么的事，她估计就逃之夭夭了。但我没有。我只是接过她的外套，在我们第二次约会的餐桌旁坐下来。
Through carefully crafted questions, I managed to deduce the truth. This really was our second date. She saw relief and happiness in me, but interpreted that as dating jitters. I was just excited to realize that the entity wasn't necessarily eating whole portions of my life. The symptoms, as I was beginning to understand them, were more like the consequences of a shattered soul. The creature had wounded me; broken me into pieces. Perhaps I was to live my life out of order, but at least I would actually get to live it.

经过仔细斟酌过后的询问，我总算推理出了真相。这真的是我们的第二次约会。她从我眼中看到了释然与幸福，但认为那不过是因为约会的紧张不安。得知那个实体并不会大块大块吞掉我的生活后，我太激动了。那些症状——我终于开始慢慢理解它们了——更像是一个灵魂破碎后的结果。那个实体已经在我身上留下了伤痕，把我摔成了碎片。或许我需要以无序的方式度过我的一辈子了，不过至少我还有机会真正去度过。
And so it went for a few years—from my perspective. While minor changes in politics or geography would happen daily, major shifts in my mental location only happened every couple months. When I found myself in a new place and time in my life, I just shut up and listened, making sure to get the lay of the land before doing anything to avoid making mistakes. On the farthest-flung leap yet, I met my six-year-old grandson, and I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said, "Writer." I told him that was a fine idea.

于是生活就这样过了几年——从我的角度来看。虽然政治或地理上的细微变动每天都会出现，我意识载体的重大切换两三个月才会发生一次。当我发现自己处于新的时空位置上，我总是会闭嘴倾听，确保自己在了解情况后再采取任何行动，以免犯错。在目前经历的最远的一圈里，我遇到了我六岁大的孙子，我问了他长大后想干什么。他说，“作家。”我告诉他这是个不错的主意。
Then, I was back in month two of my relationship with Mar, and I had the best night with her on the riverfront. When I say the best, I mean the best. Knowing how special she would become to me, I asked her to move in. I got to live through what I'd missed the first go-around, and I came to understand that I was never mentally absent. I would always be there—eventually. When we were moving her boxes in, she stopped for a moment and said she marveled at my great love, as if I'd known her for a lifetime and never once doubted she was the one.

后来，我又回到了和玛尔在一起的第二个月，和她在河滨度过了最棒的一个晚上。当我说“最棒的”的时候，我是真心这么觉得。在得知她将对我有多么重要后，我请她搬进我家来。我终于得以体验在第一“轮回”中我错过的那些时光。由此，我意识到我从不会真正地从自己的意识中离开。我总会在那里——终究会的。当我们一起把她的箱子搬进来的时候，她停顿了一下，表达了对我对她的爱的赞叹，就好像我一生都与她相伴，从未质疑她是否就是“那个人”一样。
That was the first time I'd truly laughed freely and wholeheartedly since the entity had wounded me. She was right about my love for her, but for exactly the reason she'd considered a silly romantic analogy. I had known her my whole life, and I'd come to terms with my situation and found peace with it. It wasn't so bad to have sneak peeks at all the best parts ahead.

这是那个实体刺伤了我之后，我第一次真正自由而真诚地笑了。她所说的关于我的爱的那些是对的，但正因如此她将它视作一种稀里糊涂的浪漫的比喻手法。我认识了她一辈子，也学会了接受这种混乱的处境并在其中找到自己的安宁。有时候偷看几眼那些将来最好的部分也不是什么坏事。
03
But of course I wouldn't be writing this if it hadn't gotten worse. The entity was still with me. It had not wounded me and departed like I'd wanted to believe. The closest I can describe my growing understanding was that the creature was burrowing deeper into my psyche, fracturing it into smaller pieces. Instead of months between major shifts, I began having only weeks. Once I noticed that trend, I feared my ultimate fate would be to jump between times in my life heartbeat by heartbeat, forever confused, forever lost. Only an instant in each time meant I would never be able to speak with anyone else, never be able to hold a conversation, never express or receive love.

当然，如果事情没有恶化的话，我也不会在写这些了。那个实体还在我身上。它并没有像我想要的那样伤害完我就离开。如果要尽力解释我逐渐了解的一切的话，就是那个实体正在我精神中越来越深的地方扎根，把它啃噬得破碎不堪。不像以往，我在两次重大切换间还有几个月的时间，现在只有几周了。发现这个趋势后，我开始恐惧我最终只能在我所剩的时间里，在每一秒之间的缝隙中飞速跳转，永远疑惑，永远迷茫。每次只拥有一瞬间意味着我永远无法和任何人说话，永远无法开始一场交谈，永远无法爱或被爱。
As the true depth of that fear came upon me, I sat in an older version of me and watched the snow falling outside. That was the one constant in my life: the weather didn't care who I was or what pains I had to face. Nature was always there. The falling snow was always like a little hook that kept me in a place; the pure emotional peace it brought was like a panacea on my mental wounds, and I'd never yet shifted while watching the pattern of falling white and thinking of the times I'd gone sledding or built a snow fort as a child.

当深不可测的恐惧终于淹没我时，我正坐在一个更老的自己的身体里，看着外面雪花落下。那是我混乱生活中的唯一常量：雪天永远不会在意我是谁或我在度过怎样的苦难。大自然一直在那里。那些飘落的雪花总是像一个小小的钩子，一次次把我拽回这个地方；纯粹的精神世界的安宁像是敷在我灵魂伤口上的良药，而至少到现在，在观望那下落的纯白，回想我儿提时期跑出去乘雪橇堆雪堡时，我还从未被切换走过。
【线索 雪】
A teenager touched my arm. "Grandpa?"
一个少年碰了碰我的胳膊，“爷爷？”
"Eh?" He'd startled me out of my thoughts, so I was less careful than usual. "Who are you?"

“呃？”他把我吓出了自己的思绪，所以我不像平常那样谨慎。
He half-grinned, as if not sure whether I was joking. Handing me a stack of papers, he said, "It's my first attempt at a novel. Would you read it and tell me what you think?"
他稍微咧嘴笑了笑，似乎在确定我是不是在开玩笑。他边递给我一沓纸边说，“这是我第一次尝试写小说。您愿意读一下，评价评价它怎么样吗？”
Ahh, of course. "Pursuing that dream of being a writer, I see."
啊，原来如此。“在追逐那个成为作家的梦想啊，看出来了。”

He burned bright red. "Trying to, anyway."
他的脸上呈一种耀眼的红色，“不过在尝试而已。”
"All right. Run off, I'll read this right now." The words were blurry, and, annoyed, I looked for glasses I probably had for reading. Being old was terrible, and I wanted to leap back into a younger year—but not before I read his book. I found my glasses in a sweater pocket, and began leafing through. Mar puttered in and out of the living room, still beautiful, but I had to focus. I didn't know how much time I would have there.

“好吧，歇会去，我现在就读。”纸上的字符模糊不清，不情愿地，我开始寻找我估计是为阅读准备的老花镜。当个老人感觉真是太糟糕了，我真想沿着轮回跳转到自己年轻些的时候——但不是在我读完他的书之前。我在一件毛衣的口袋里找到了眼镜，开始翻阅。玛尔在客厅踱来踱去，看上去还是那么美，但我需要集中注意力。我不知道我还能在这里待多久。
It seemed that we had relatives over. Was it Christmas? A pair of adults and a couple kids I didn't recognize tromped through the hallway, and I saw my son, now adult, walk by with his wife on the way out the door. As a group, the extended family began sledding outside.

好像有亲戚在我们家做客。现在是圣诞节吗？一对成年人和几个我不认识的小孩走过了走廊，我看到了我长大成人的儿子，他和他的妻子一起走出房门。其余的家人组团到外面滑雪去了。
Finally, I finished reading the story, and I called out for my grandson. He rushed down the stairs and into the living room. "How was it?"
终于，我读完了故事，把我的孙子叫了过来。他匆匆忙忙跑下楼梯，冲进客厅，“怎么样？”
"Well, it's terrible," I told him truthfully. "But it's terrible for all the right reasons. You're still a young man, so your characters behave like young people, but the structure of the story itself is very solid." I paused. "I didn't expect it to turn out to be a horror story."

“嗯，它挺糟糕的。”我诚实地告诉他，“但它糟糕都是出于些正确的原因。你还是个年轻人，所以你的角色也表现得像年轻人，但故事本身的结构很稳固。”我停顿了一下，“没想到这是个恐怖故事。”
He nodded. "It's a reflection of the times. Expectations for the future are dismal, not hopeful like they used to be."
他点点头，“这是对时间的一些反思。如今对未来的预期相当惨淡，不像以往那样充满希望了。”
"You're far too young to be aware like that," I told him. An idea occurred to me. "If you're into horror, do you know anything about strange creatures?"

“你意识到这些事情有点太早了，”我跟他说。我突然想到了一个主意，“如果你感兴趣恐怖故事的话，你对诡异的生物有了解吗？”
"Sure. I read everything I can. I love it."
“当然了，一切能读到的都读了。我爱死它们了。”
04.
Warily, I scanned the entrances to the living room. Everyone was busy outside. For the first time, I opened up to someone in my life about what I was experiencing. In hushed tones, I told him about my fragmented consciousness.

我小心翼翼地扫视了客厅的入口，所有人都在外面忙活。于是，我第一次把我的经历告诉了我身旁的某个人。我压低声音向他讲述了我破碎的意识。
For a teenager, he took it well. "You're serious?"
作为一个青少年，他接受得相当不错。“你是认真的吗？”
"Yes."
“嗯。”
He donned the determined look of a grown man accepting a quest. "I'll look into it, see what I can find out. You should start writing down everything you experience. Build some data. Maybe we can map your psychic wound."

他的那副坚决的模样像是一个成年人在接受自己的使命。“我会好好钻研一下，看看我能发现什么。你应该开始记录你经历的一切，搭个数据库之类的，或许我们能完整地整理出你灵魂伤口的模样。”
Wow. "Sounds like a plan." I was surprised. That made sense, and I hadn't expected him to have a serious response. "But how will I get all the notes in one place?"
哇。说实话，我吃了一惊。“听起来是个挺好的计划。”那确实说的通，而我甚至没有指望他给出一个严肃的回答。“但我该怎么把这些记录整到一起呢？”
"Let's come up with somewhere for you to leave them," he said, frowning with thought. "Then I'll get them, and we can trace the path you're taking through your own life, see if there's a pattern."

“让我们想想你应该把它们放在哪里，”他说，表情在思索中凝固。“等我拿到它们，我们就可以连出你一生的故事线，看看有没有什么规律。”
For the first time since the situation had gotten worse, I felt hope again. "How about under the stairs? Nobody ever goes under there."
这是事情恶化后我第一次重拾信心。“楼梯下面怎么样？从来没有人去那里。”
"Sure." He turned and left the living room.
“当然。”他转身离开了客厅。
I peered after him. I heard him banging around near the stairs.

我盯着他远去的身影，听到他在楼梯附近的地方弄出丁零当啷的声音。
Finally, he returned with a box, laid it on the carpet, and opened it to reveal a bursting stack of papers. He exclaimed, "Holy crap!"—but of course, being a teenager, he didn't really say crap.
最终他带着一个箱子回来了，他把它放在地毯上，打开它并发现里面塞满了一堆堆纸。“靠！！”他感叹到——好吧，当然，作为年轻人，他并没有真的说“靠”。
Taken aback, I blinked rapidly, forgiving his cussing because of the shock. "Did I write those?"

震惊中，我迅速眨了眨眼，原谅了他同样因震惊而发出的咒骂。“这些是我写的吗？”
He looked up at me with wonder. "Yeah. Or, you will. You still have to write them and put them under the stairs after this." He gazed back down at the papers—then covered the box. "So you probably shouldn't see what they say. That could get weird."
他惊奇地打量我。“是的，或者说你终会写的。你得记住在这之后，还得把一切都写下来，存在楼梯下面。”他又一次把目光移向那些纸上——然后盖上了盒子，“所以你最好不要看里面写了什么，那样的话事情可能会变得很古怪。”

That much I understood. "Right."
这些我还是懂的，“好。”
He gulped. "There are like fifty boxes under there, all filled up like this. Deciphering these will take a very long time." His tone dropped to deadly seriousness. "But I will save you, grandpa. Because I don't think anyone else can."
他咽了一口口水，“那下面总共得有五十个箱子，全都像这样塞满了。破译它们会需要很长时间。”他的语调突然变得无比严肃，“但我会救你的，爷爷。因为我想除我之外再没有人了。”

Tears flowed down my cheeks then, and I couldn't help but sob once or twice. I hadn't realized how lonely I'd become in my shifting prison of awareness until I finally had someone who understood. "Thank you. Thank you so much."
泪水当时就从我的两颊滑落，我难以控制得抽噎了几下。在我终于找到一个能够理解我的人之前，我从未意识到在这种意识切换的牢笼中我变得多么孤单。“谢谢你。真的，太感谢了。”
And then I was young again, and at work on a random Tuesday. Once the sadness and relief faded, anger and determination replaced them. After I finished my work, I grabbed some paper and began writing. While the weeks shifted around me, while those weeks became days, and then hours, I wrote every single spare moment about when and where I thought I was. I put them under the stairs out of order; my first box was actually the thirtieth, and my last box was the first. Once I had over fifty boxes written from my perspective—and once my shifting became a matter of minutes—I knew it was up to my grandson to take it from there.

然后我就回到了年轻时，在某个很随机的周二上班。悲伤与释然散去后，气愤与决心替代了他们。完成了工作后，我从手边抓了几张纸开始记录。当一周周在我周围变幻着，当那几周变成几天，又变成几个小时，一切空闲的时刻我都在记下我觉得我在何时何地。我无序地把它们放到楼梯底下：我的第一个箱子其实是第三十个，而最后一个其实是第一个。当我终于从自己的视角写完了五十个箱子——也正是当时空切换几分钟就发生一次时——我就知道剩下的部分该交给我的孙子了。
I put my head down and stopped looking. I couldn't stand the river of changing awareness any longer. Names and places and dates and jobs and colors and people were all wrong and different.

我垂下头来，停止张望。我无法再忍受这种意识切换的洪流了。名字、地点、日期、工作、颜色还有人物，全都错乱不堪。
I'd never been older. I sat watching the snow fall. A man of at least thirty that I vaguely recognized entered the room. "Come on, I think I finally figured it out."
我从来没有比这次变得更老过。我坐在那看着飘雪。一个我只能含糊地辨认出的至少三十多岁的男人进了房间。“来吧，我想我终于搞明白了。”
【线索 雪】
I was so frail that moving was painful. "Are you him? Are you my grandson?"

身体的虚弱给我的每一个动作带来疼痛。“你是他吗？你是我的孙子吗？”
"Yes." He took me to a room filled with strange equipment and sat me in a rubber chair facing a large mirror twice the height of a man. "The pattern finally revealed itself."
“是的。”他把我带入一个放满奇怪仪器的房间，扶我在一张橡胶椅子里坐下，我正对着的是一面有两人高的巨大镜子。“规律终于显现了。”
"How long have you worked on this?" I asked him, aghast. "Tell me you didn't miss your life like I'm missing mine!"

“你在这上面花了多久？”我惊骇地问道，“告诉我你没有为此错过自己的生活，就像我错过了我的那样！”
His expression was both stone cold and furiously resolute. "It'll be worth it." He brought two thin metal rods close to my arm and then nodded at the mirror. "Look. This shock is carefully calibrated."
他的表情冰冷而极其坚决，“这值得。”他拿来两根金属杆靠近我的手臂，向镜子的方向点头。“看，电击的强度是精确校准过的。”
The electric zap from his device was startling, but not painful. In the mirror, I saw a rapid arcing light-silhouette appear above my head and shoulder. The electricity moved through the creature like a wave, briefly revealing the terrible nature of what was happening to me. A bulging leech-like mouth was wrapped around the back of my head, coming down to my eyebrows and touching each ear, and its slug-like body ran over my shoulder and into my very soul.

他的装置发出的电击声使人震惊，但并没有带来疼痛。镜子里，我看到一道疾速的光弧轮廓出现在我的头和肩膀的上方。电流像一条条波一样穿过那个生物，短暂地揭示了我身上发生的事情的恐怖本质。一张突出的，像水蛭一样的口器包在我的后脑上，下端触碰到我的眉毛和两边的耳朵；而它像鼻涕虫一样的躯体盘过我的肩膀，扎入了我的灵魂。
It was a parasite.
那是只寄生虫。
And it was feeding on my mind.
而它以蚕食我的意识为生。
My now-adult grandson held my hand as I took in the horror. After a moment, he asked, "Removing it is going to hurt very badly. Are you up for this?"

我成年的孙子在我接受这种惊恐时紧紧握着我的手。过了一阵，他问：“移除它是会很痛苦的，你准备好了吗？”
Fearful, I asked, "Is Mar here?"
“玛尔在这吗？”我惊慌地问。
His face softened. "No. Not for a few years now."
他的脸色缓和了一些。“不，已经几年不在了。”
I could tell from his reaction what had happened, but I didn't want it to be true. "How?"
我从他的反应中猜到了发生了什么，却不愿相信那是真相。“怎么说？”
"We have this conversation a lot," he responded. "Are you sure you want to know? It never makes you feel better."

“我们总在进行这场对话，”他回答，“你真的想要知道吗？这从来没能让你感觉好些。”
Tears brimmed in my eyes. "Then I don't care if it hurts, or if I die. I don't want to stay in a time where she's not alive."
泪水漫过我的眼眶。“那我就不在乎这么做会不会疼，或者我会不会死了。我不想留在于一个她不在的时间。”
He made a sympathetic noise of understanding and then returned to his machines to hook several wires, diodes, and other bits of technology to my limbs and forehead. While he did so, he talked. "I've worked for two decades to figure this out, and I've had a ton of help from other researchers of the occult. This parasite doesn't technically exist in our plane. It's one of the lesser spawns of µ¬ßµ, and it feeds on the plexus of mind, soul, and quantum consciousness/reality. When details like names and colors of objects changed, you weren't going crazy. The web of your existence was merely losing strands as the creature ate its way through you."

他发出些同情的声音表示理解，然后又一次转向他的机器，把几根导线、二极管和其他一些零件接在我的四肢和额头上。他边这么做边说：“我花了二十年弄明白这些东西，并从其他神秘学研究者那里得到了大量帮助。准确来说，这个寄生虫并不真实存在于我们的时空。这是µ¬ßµ中较小的一个种类，以思维，灵魂，量子意识或是现实的束丛为食。当如物体的名称和颜色改变时，其实并不是你在疯掉。你的存在之网不过是在那个生物蚕食你时你失去的丝缕罢了。”
I didn't fully understand. I looked up in confusion as he placed a circlet of electronics like a crown on my head in exact line with where the parasite's mouth had ringed me. "What's µ¬ßµ?"

我并没有完全理解。他像为我戴上皇冠一样为我戴上一圈电子器件，使其与寄生虫的嘴嵌入我的位置完全一致时，我疑惑地抬头，“什么是µ¬ßµ？”
He paused his work and grew pale. "I forgot that you wouldn't know. You're lucky, believe me." After a deep breath, he began moving again, and placed his fingers near a few switches. "Ready? This is carefully tuned to make your nervous system extremely unappetizing to the parasite, but it's basically electro-shock therapy."

他停下了手头的工作，面色发白。“我忘了你不会知道。你很幸运，相信我。”一次深呼吸后，他再次继续，把他的手指落在几个开关上。“准备好了吗？这经过了仔细调整，可以使你的神经系统对寄生虫而言相当倒胃口，但其实基本上就是电击疗法。”
I could still see Mar's smile. Even though she was dead, I'd just been with her moments ago. "Do it."
我仍能看见玛尔的笑容。即便她已经离世，一小会前我还和她在一起。“开始吧。”
The click of a switch echoed in my ears, and I almost laughed at how mild the electricity was. It didn't feel like anything—at least at first. Then, I saw the mirror shaking, and my body within that image convulsing. Oh. No. It did hurt. Nothing had ever been more painful. It was just so excruciating that my mind hadn't been able to immediately process it.

摁下开关的声音在耳中回荡，我几乎要嘲笑电流的微弱了。它什么都算不上——至少一开始如此。然后，我看到镜子在颤抖，以及我的像在其中抽搐。哦。不。这确实很疼。没有什么比这更痛苦了。只是在如此酷刑中，我的大脑无法立刻处理任何信息。
As my vision shook and fire burned in every nerve in my body, I could see the reflected trembling light-silhouette of the parasite on my head as it writhed in agony equal to mine. It had claws—six clawed lizard-like limbs under its leech-like body—and it cut into me in an attempt to stay latched on.

当我的视线颤抖，身体的每一根神经都被火焰灼烧时，我能够看到寄生虫在我头上反射出的颤抖的光弧轮廓，它扭曲着，与我一样经受着极端的痛苦。它有爪子——水蛭般的躯体下长着六条蜥蜴般的爪子——它刺入我，以确保能牢牢地把自己固定在我身上。
The electricity made my memories flare.
电流使记忆在我的眼前闪回。
Mar's smile was foremost, lit brightly in front of a warm fire as the snow fell past the window behind her. The edges of that memory began lighting up, and I realized that my life was one continuous stretch of experience—it was only the awareness of it that had been fragmented by that feasting evil on my back.

玛尔的笑容是最美的。她笑得那么灿烂，在温暖的火炉前仿佛闪着光，身后是窗外的飘雪。那段记忆的边缘开始放热发光，我终于意识到我的一生是完整而连续的经历——只不过我感受到它的方式被那个在我背后贪婪地美餐的恶魔割裂了。
【线索 雪】
I'd never managed to be there for the birth of my son. I'd jumped around it a dozen times, but never actually lived it. For the first time, I got to hold Mar's hand and be there for her.
我从未能够看到我儿子的出生。我在那前前后后转悠了十几回了，可从来没能经历他出生的那个时刻。终于有这样一次，我能够握着玛尔的手，在那里陪着她。

No. No! That moment had shifted seamlessly into holding her hand as she lay in a hospital bed for a very different reason. Not this! God, why? It was so merciless to make me remember this. I broke down in tears as nurses rushed into the room. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to experience it. I'd seen all the good parts, but I hadn't wanted the worst part—the inevitable end that all would one day face.

不。不！那个场面毫不停留地切换走了，取而代之的是出于一个完全不同的原因，她躺在医院的床上，我牵着她的手。别这样！老天，为什么？强迫我回忆起这些真的太残忍了。我崩溃地哭了，护士冲进了房间。我不想知道。我不想经历这些。我已经看过了那些美好的部分，但我不想见到最糟糕的部分——我们所有人都会不可避免地走向的那个结局。
It wasn't worth it. It was tainted. All that joy was given back ten thousand fold as pain.
这不值得。这烂透了。所有的喜悦加起来不过伤痛的万分之一。
The fire in my body and in my brain surged to sheer white torture, and I screamed.

火焰在我的身体与大脑中蹿到巅峰，化作纯粹白热的折磨。我尖叫着。
My scream faded into a surprised shout as the machines and electricity and chair faded away. Snow was no longer falling around my life; I was out in the woods on a bright summer day.
随着机器，电击和椅子的逐渐消逝，我的尖叫变成了惊喜的呼喊。雪花不再在我的生活中飘落，我站在一片树林里，那是个明媚的夏日。
【线索 雪】
Oh God.
我的天啊。
I turned to see the creature approaching me. It was the same absence of meaning; the same blank on reality. It crept forward, just like before—but, this time, it hissed and turned away. I stood, astounded at being young again and freed from the parasite. My grandson had actually done it! He'd made me an unappetizing meal, so the predator of mind and soul had moved on in search of a different snack.

我转过身去，看到那个生物在接近我。它还是那种意义的缺失，那种现实中的蛀洞。它向前爬行着，就像之前那样——但是这次，它发出嘶嘶声，转身离开了我。我站在那里，为我又一次年轻、并且摆脱了那寄生虫而震惊。我的孙子真的成功了！他使我对那个怪物毫无吸引了，所以那个捕食灵魂的家伙就离开寻找下一块点心了。
05.
I returned home in a daze.
我晕乎乎地回到了家。
And while I was sitting there processing all that had happened, the phone rang. I looked at it in awe and sadness. I knew who it was. It was Marjorie, calling for the first time for some trivial reason she'd admit thirty years later was made up just to talk to me.

而当我呆坐在那里，试图梳理清楚发生的一切时，电话铃响了。我以一种杂糅着敬畏和悲伤的目光看着它。我知道那是谁。那是玛尔乔里，她第一次那个电话只是为了些琐碎的事——三十年后她向我承认那不过是她为了和我搭话而编造的。
But all I could see was her lying in that hospital bed dying. It was going to end in unspeakable pain and loneliness. I would become an old man, left to sit by myself in an empty house, his soulmate gone long before him. At the end of it all, the only thing I would have left: sitting and watching the falling snow.

但我想到的一切都是她在垂死之际躺在那张病床上。这一切都将在无法言说的痛苦和孤寂中结束。我将成为一个很老很老的家伙，被独自丢在一座空荡荡的房子里坐着，他的灵魂伴侣早已离他而去。在一切的最终，只有一样东西能被留给我：坐在那里看着雪慢慢飘下。
【线索 雪】
But now, thanks to my grandson, I would also have my memories. It would be a wild ride, no matter how it ended.
但是现在，感谢我的孙子，我还能拥有我的回忆。这将是一场疯狂的旅途，无论它怎样结束。
On a sudden impulse, I picked up the phone. With a smile, I asked, "Hey, who's this?"

于是我突然动念，接通了电话。“嗨，请问你是谁？”我笑着问道。
Even though I already knew.
即便我早已知晓一切。
（正文完）
Author's note: Together, my grandfather and I did set out to write the tale of his life. Unfortunately, his Alzheimer's disease progressed rapidly, and we were never able to finish. He's still alive, but I imagine that, mentally, he is in a better place than the nursing home. I like to think he's back in his younger days, living life and being happy, because the reality is much colder. It's snowing today; he loves the snow. When I visited him, he didn't recognize me, but he did smile as he sat looking out the window.

【后记：我所记录的这个故事，是爷爷用一生写就的，但是我们可能永远无法完整地讲完这个故事了——爷爷是一位阿兹海默症患者，最近他的病情正在急剧恶化。他在养老院，每天还活得好好的，不过我宁愿相信，他的思绪飘到了养老院之外的地方，飘离了残酷的现实，飘回了他走过的光辉岁月，在那段时间里他真正快快乐乐地活着。哦对，今天下雪了——爷爷很喜欢雪。
爷爷，我去看你的时候，你好像没有认出我来。你坐在窗前，微笑着看飘雪，而我在身后默默看着你。】